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轉載《學苑》│我是個「香港人」(1969年文章)

2015-2-27 13:53
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(編按:香港大學學生會刊物《學苑》,最新一期二月號繼續探討本土思潮,《852郵報》獲授權轉載部份文章。)

〈我是個「香港人」〉(原載於1969年11月1日第17期《學苑》第6版)
文/ 耕耘 

第一部:我是個「香港人」

我是個地道的香港人。

我在香港呱呱墜地,出生日期在身份證上是‘Verified’。也叨過這「二等公民」的光,申請其 Emergency-British Passport到「海外」遊埠。

我父親的父親的父親的父親,大約在太平天國的時候(-1860)已到這販賣鴉片的殖民地落葉生根。祖太姑婆的墓碑,現在還可在基督教墳塲找到。

認識我的人都知道我是個不折不扣的「書院仔」。詞不達意時,鹹淡中英文一齊出口。要我一天不說一個英文字,比登天還難。

還有,我做過童子軍,唸過‘On My Honour I Promise That I Will Do My Best: To Do My Duty To Gold And The Queen…’的誓詞;又在戴督到任香港第一年,女皇壽辰的園遊會中,穿上童軍制服去督憲府‘On Duty’。

第二部 祇要有這樣的一天

不過,話也得說回來:直到近近,我才肯承認自己是個「香港人」。十多年來,我一直不喜歡香港。我曾經熱愛中國。我也曾認為:「香港人」是個十分侮辱的稱呼。

記得幼年的時候,甚麼「殖民地」、「鴉片戰爭」,我完完全全不明白。我只知道有一個地大物博的中國,有著四萬萬五千萬的人口、五千年的歷史、及數不盡的寶藏。「長江五千里」、「萬里長城萬里長」、「拔海二萬八千呎朗瑪峯」等詞句、照片、都深深地嵌入我腦海中——這是一個多麼美麗的中國!

我記得這片壯麗的圖畫第一次被染污的情景。在小學四年級的時候,我開始看報紙。有一次,看到個紅色的大字標感,印著「兩個中國政策」等字樣。甚麼叫做「兩個中國」?中國怎麼會有兩個?我完完全全不明白。兄長給我的解釋是不能接受的——甚麼黨派、國共之爭。不,這不可能!

緊接而來的五八年台峽風雲,迫我面對了鐵一般的事實。金門、馬祖在瘋狂的炮轟中國撼。在中國這樣美麗的圖畫中,有流血、有屍體。畫一般的中國,變成了苦難的祖國。自此,民族主義的種籽,在我心中生了根。中國的苦難,使我更深刻地認識了祖國。

中四、中五課程內的近代中國史,滋長了我心頭民族主義的火燄。有一個時期,我孜孜不倦地閱讀有關現代中國的書籍。大會堂編號九一五、九五零之類的書籍,如史諾的「河的後岸」,或其餘反共、親共的書籍,都一般兒塞進了腦袋。

於是我知道了中國的落後、貧困。中國千瘡百孔的農村經濟,一窮二白的農民,都變成了我談論、閱讀的題材。新彊的開墾、大慶油田的發現,曾給予我多少鼓舞。大躍進的失敗、中國農業的停滯不前,又使我氣餒。就是人民大會堂頂的燈飾、盧溝橋傍石獅子的數目,乃至繞行天安門廣塲需時若干等,都成了我關心的對像。

像許多青年一樣,我愛發白日夢。有些時候,我會相信錢穆先生的論調,以為當前海外中國青年的首要任務,就是肩負即將沉淪的中國文化的重擔。更多時候,我夢想到中國共產政權有修正的一天,我可以回國參加建設祖國,獻出自己微薄的一分力量。只要有這樣的一天,我能把自己投入像「軍墾戰歌」一般壯大的邊地開發塲面;只要有這樣的一天,只有這樣的一天,從崑崙山到東海岸,從海南島到黑龍江,我們能打碎束縛了祖國數千年的貧窮桎梏,在一窮二白的慘淡經營中,寫下我們光輝的一頁。

在核爆與文化大革命聲中,我進入了「香港奴化教育的最高堡壘」——香港大學。我仍然愛中國,可是——

第三部 其實又談甚麼愛國

可是我的本性原形畢露,我又要用香港文。

在香港大學,我發現了一個很奇怪的現像。很多外國講師,雖然他們祇來香港任教數年-i.e. They owe H.K. nothing, 可是,他們對香港社會中不合理,不公平的地方,卻亳不留情地抨擊。They are really concerned about H.K., concerned about her people, her poor, her injustice and her future.

還有不少外國來的傳教士,他們是真正為香港的貧苦大眾工作。他們為香港的工人爭取工人們最基本的權利,為香港普羅大眾組織「儲蓄互助合作社」。合作社的負責人 Fr. Hogan 就曾說過 “I understand that H.K. is not a nation and her people do not have a sense of belonging. Many students told me they intended to migrate abroad after taking their degrees in H.K.”

至少,我在香港長大,在香港受教育。至少,我到過牛池灣安老院服侍老人用午膳,在東涌的堤壩上搬過石頭,在龍翔道上看過香港夜景,見過啟德機塲夜航的燈火……

我為香港人做的事,實在太少。記得敏達廠轉讓時工人的孤立無援,嘉民工人在絕望中狂搖勞工處鐵柵時的憤怒,達富工廠存貨被搬走後工友的失望及不知所措——在這些事件中,我都不曾給予工人們任何實際的幫助。我所做到的,不過是寫幾篇文章,說幾句話,最多幫助工人申請法律援助。可是,我所做的一切,都不能減輕他們的困難,不能替他們掙回五分錢。在我們的社會中,不合理、不公平的地方實在太多,而我自己為香港做的事,又實在太少!

“But there are 4 million people here. Sure, not all of them can afford to leave. If 1 million went away, 3 million would still stay. Among these 3 million we can help to cultivate a sense of belonging——not as a nation——but as a community——a Hong Kong community, and a desire to work for a better society.”

在這些講師,傳教士面前,我覺得慚愧,他們都是外地人——but they have a strong sense of justice, and would fight any injustice tooth and nail.

而我自己,生於斯,長於斯,在香港大學唸書,用香港納稅人的金錢,卻只空談愛國。對香港的不平等,不合理的現像,孰視無覩,對香港四百萬同胞,漠不關心。

其實又談甚麼愛國。 I don’t believe that anyone who refuses to fight the injustice and inequality right before their eyes, anyone who refuses to sacrifice for his own community will some day sacrifice and fight for the 700 million Chinese in China.

其實如果我們不能面對香港目前的問題,甚麼「中國重建」、「回歸」、「文化重擔」的口號,都不過是自欺欺人的夢話,現在不能為香港的中國犧牲的,將來也不能為祖國的同胞犧牲。如果我自己不能香港的同胞做事,又何苦空談將來回國服務,以不可知的未來,空泛的理想來麻醉自己,徒然堆砌空中樓閣來逃避良心自譴?

Afterall, an average youth in Hong Kong has never touched, smelled, seen and experienced China. How can you reasonably except anyone to love something unseen, unknown and intangible? China is but an empty shadow. Hong Kong is concrete.

Part IV Someone Who Cares

It is only recently that I realize I value a strong sense of justice much more than a strong national sentiment, that Hong Kong is much more authentic to me than China. I am not one-tenth as fervent as Ira Magaziner, whose famous dictum ‘the ways things should be have got to be things that are, or else none of us should be able to sleep well at night’ nurtured by China, never been have kept many a conscience uneasy. But, on the few nights that I do appreciate his remark, I lose sleep not for a phony China, not for the invasion of Chengpao Island somewhere thousands of miles away, not for the inauguration of a distant Ninth Party Congress. I have lost sleep for the Vanda workers whom I have spoken to, for the zeal of fellow students over the University Reform issue, for the one thousand and one events, memorable or trite, which have involved me in Hong Kong.

Yes, I am no longer patriotic. Say what you will, call me names if your want to to, but I would still be the first one to admit that I can’t bring myself to kiss a map of China hanging on the wall. It is not that I’ve forgotten China. I never know China. I have nothing to forget.

Afterall, I have never been nurtured by China, never been slandered by the press of China, I have been tried to help the workers of China, or fight together with the students of China——my essence as a human being has never been realized in China.

And the image of the magnificent Victoria Harbour in my eyes is me, the desperate frustration of the Goodman workers felt in my heart is me, my elation in the night of 30th Jan. in the Loke Yew Hall is me, the Hong Kong that I see and experience with my own self is me.

My experience with Hong Kong is myself. Myself. How can I view Hong Kong except with love and hatred which are one and inseparable? You may say Hong Kong is inequitable, her government is colonial, her future is uncertain. But, in the gaping wound of this Colony founded upon contraband and conquest, I have sensed life; in this suffocating atmosphere of apathy and morbidity, I have witnessed a spark: there is still someone who cares, someone prepared to fight for the underprivileged here, someone to whom Hong Kong is his community, his place his home.

(全文完)

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